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As an important member of the Grosse Pointe community, people oftentimes seek out my council on matters pertaining to the paragon of communities in which we live. One such concerned citizen brought a plan to dissolve Grosse Pointe into a cauldron of peasantry to my attention. My immediate reaction to this heresy was to wish that the author be felled by pancreatic cancer and to curse a pox upon his family and all their descendants till the end of time. After a little further consideration and contemplation, I have downgraded my level of vitriol to post-Inquisition levels of disdain. However, make no mistake, what the author suggests is pure heretical balderdash.

Before I point out the blunders in the author’s myopic and destructive vision, let me first point out some of the things he got correct. The author’s vision for a form of public transit to connect the east side together is a bold step in the right direction. Just think about it. A trolley that could take you to the other side of Vernier! If that actually existed, I might visit Josef’s more than once a year. Ever since my tailor relocated, I don’t think I have been to the other side of Vernier, and that’s been at least eight months! A more developed trolley network might allow me to visit more of our great community without fear of unreasonable prosecution for my lifestyle choices. God knows the cops on Mack can really be a pain to deal with when you have had six or seven after-work drinks.

However, I wouldn’t just stop there. I think we need a trolley system to get us to the heart of our region, downtown Detroit. Taking an Uber down to Bouzouki’s on a Friday afternoon, after cutting out of work at 11am, is just adding costs to an already expensive hangover cure. Also, it’s not very green. One of Grosse Pointe’s strongest selling points is its proximity to downtown. Why not capitalize on it?

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You can already tell buzzcut knows who is going to “show him where the restroom is.”

From here, it only goes down faster than a bridesmaid after six shots of Fireball and a Xanax. The author goes on to describe, in vague detail, a system by which we would strive to exclusively buy goods and services from east side businesses, and in the process showcasing his profound ignorance of the concept of comparative advantage.  If I wrote a post every time someone from the not-for-profit sector wrote a piece that showed a demonstrable lack of common economic knowledge, I wouldn’t be able to afford to purchase the love and attention my sterile childhood deprived me of (thank God for European au pairs).

Sadly, this dumpster fire rages on when the author proposes to open our resident-only parks to the unwashed masses. I cannot fathom why we in Grosse Pointe should pay for our impeccably manicured parks to be soiled by the proletarian hordes and their “family reunions.” Why must people try to encroach on our safe spaces with their silly ideas of “inclusion” and “equality?” There’s more public parks surrounding Grosse Pointe than there are in Grosse Pointe. Just because you’ve trashed them and your elected officials siphoned money away from their upkeep to fund stripper-murder cover-ups, doesn’t mean you can come and destroy our property.

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How’d that one guy catch a dog?

Also, this traitor wants to allow public access to our lake front! Oh, that’s just what we need to liven the area up, a bunch of people yanking catfish out of the water and grilling them up on Lakeshore. I am sure the residents who live there will really appreciate that. That should do wonders for our taxable property values. Why not just rezone the whole area for used-car dealerships?

Of course, the author goes on to describe how this could improve “diversity” and other common dog whistles of Social Justice Warriors everywhere, but there’s only so much blasphemy a man can take. What this grandiose “final solution” doesn’t consider is a direct approach at revitalizing the hardest-hit areas of the east side of Detroit. It completely ignores the most obvious, which is where there is little, much can be built. The Jefferson-to-Mack and Conner-to-Alter rectangle is one of the most desolate areas in the city, despite the relative vibrancy and vitality of the neighboring Jefferson/Chalmers neighborhood. I believe we have to start there before we can move on to reinvigorate more affluent areas of the region. Not only do we have to do that from an economic perspective, but I feel we it owe it to the people of Detroit.

As many of you know, I don’t just point out the flaws in people’s thinking, I suggest solutions. With this in mind, I suggest that the City of Detroit deed the Jefferson-to-Mack and Conner-to-Alter land, utilizing eminent domain powers, to the Michigan Department of Natural Resources (DNR) to create a wildlife preserve that could be used to teach the youth of Detroit about hunting and fishing. Along with, other outdoor activities like camping and woodsmanship.  Why should these things remain inaccessible to our city-bound youth?  The DNR could, with limited remediation, turn the area into natural prairie land where pheasants could be stocked. Flooded wetlands, where migratory waterfowl could pause on their perilous journey south for the winter. Young lush forests where Detroit’s youth could learn basic outdoors skills, without ever having to leave the city proper. Imagine the effect that would have on the lives of the residents of the Jefferson/Chalmers neighborhood, and their property values? We can take a crime-plagued desolate area of the city and turn into a hands-on educational experience for the city’s youth!

I am GP For Life, and I hope we share the same vision for the region.

  • Rich Bawol

    You can have your GP for life a-hole. I’ll take my home here in Alabama that is all paid for including 3 vehicles. So please do stay up there b/c we really don’t want your type down here!

    • Rich, thanks for your concern. One of my family’s ancestral residences is in Alabama, actually. My type has been quite welcome there for almost two-hundred years.