Happy 237th Birthday America

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General James Mattis expounds on the finer points of American diplomacy. If I were you, I would listen to him. You don’t get the name “Mad Dog” for making idle threats.

Battle of Baltimore237 years ago, a fledgling upstart nation decided to put it all on the line for freedom. The founders of this country decided the best way to do that was to write a lengthy memo to the world’s superpower of the day, essentially telling them where they could go stick it and why, and then hope for the best.  Shockingly, the superpower of the day didn’t appreciate the memo and promptly sent an army to learn this rogue nation some respect, but that little nation of 13 colonies beat back the larger, and largely superior, force and lives in freedom to this day.

169 years after they brazenly declared their independence from the tyranny of high taxes and unreasonable regulations, the then forty-eight states of The United States of America emerged from a ghastly World War as the greatest superpower the world has ever seen. They accomplished something that took centuries for the Roman Empire, Ottoman Empire, British Empire, and others, in a mere 169 years. Today, that nation reigns not only as a bastion of freedom, but as the undisputed badass of the globe.

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Fortress Grosse Pointe — I Wish

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Once again the proles have taken to the press to decry Grosse Pointe’s intense desire to not burden its already strained tax base by educating the children of its impoverished neighbors. In one such article, imaginatively-titled Fortress Grosse Pointe: In world of school choice, community says ‘stay out’, local muckraker Nancy Nall Derringer likens Grosse Pointe to a fortress ripped from the pages of history and the closed societies of the pre-Johnson administration years. Further, she sprinkles-in veiled allegations that our motivations in protecting our school system from the barbarians pounding at our gatehouses are racially motivated.

Normally, I would not get my madras shorts in a bind over loud-mouthed malcontents, but “journalist” Audrey Spalding had to cast her fierce ginger glare upon the issue and make reckless allegations that our hardworking civil servants are stalking schoolchildren. In her article, Stalking Students in Grosse Pointeshe calls the due diligence our school system engages in to ensure that our hard-earned tax dollars do not go wasted upon interlopers, “extreme”.  While we agree that these measures are a sad reflection upon the neglected state of our neighboring school systems, I hardly think auditing our enrollment is extreme. She finds our argument that we don’t want to spend our $4,000 per pupil local tax money on students and families who never paid into our coffers to be outdated. No, that doesn’t make sense, but communism never does. 

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Drunk Boating — That’s a Thing?

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Too drunk to drive a boat? Apparently that is a thing. According to the Detroit Free Press federal law regulates how drunk you may be while operating a pleasure craft. I am sorry; did we lose a war or something? I am pretty sure generations of Grosse Pointers didn’t bravely sail, steam, or charge, into harm’s way so that we could be told how much is too much to drink while boating. Next thing you know, they are going to tell you that you can’t drink and sail.  It’s too horrible to even think about.

It’s nice that big brother can take time from redistributing our wealth and scanning our emails to really show they care about the children, by regulating how much you can drink when operating a boat. This regulation is apparently desperately needed because:

“According to the Michigan Department of Natural Resources, nearly half of all boating accidents involve alcohol, and passengers are 10 times more likely to fall overboard when they have consumed alcohol.”

So, you mean half of all accidents on boats involve alcohol? Well, considering 100% of my boating involves alcohol, I’d say there’s about zero correlation. Oh, and while on the subject of correlation, correlation does not equal causation. Therefore, if 50% of something involves something else, those two variables might be linked, but it doesn’t prove a causal relationship.

The day this drunk-boating legislation was signed into law the grass probably died at Arlington National Cemetery. I am glad my grandfather isn’t alive to see this sad state of affairs.

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GP For Life Offers Solutions to Vexing Issues

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As the economy slowly rebounds off of the bottom of the ocean, we must look to the bright future in store for Grosse Pointe. However, this does not mean that we should leave our flanks exposed to the wolves that howl in the night. An important part of the defense of our noble way of life has always been the “cabbage patch”.

In better times, the standard course of progression for our progeny was to equip them with a superior education and once they returned from college (if they left) they would take up residence in the patch. Then they would secure gainful employment and look for suitable mates at the various social functions or at lively night spots (more on that in another post) of the area and thus start the cycle over in perpetuity.

With the massive downsizing of the automobile industry, our offspring had to flee the once bountiful harvest of SE Michigan and leave our eastern flank dangerously exposed. The vacuum left by our young adults was filled with those who might not share our great vision and steadfast ideals. For too long have we left this breach wide open. We must now seal it with vigor and resolve.

This is why, I submit to you the “GP For Life Three Point Plan for Patch Reclamation” and would urge the Grosse Pointe Park City Counsel to adopt the following measures:

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This is Why You Can’t Have Nice Things

A new level of fail.

A new level of fail.

According to the Detroit Free Press, Wayne County’s cost overruns in construction of a new jail have been so excessive that they’ve halted construction while they try and scheme their way out of the mess they made. What amazes me is not that Wayne County simply lost grip on their budget, but that they had budgeted $200 million for 2,200 person prison in the first place. Then, they cannot even manage to come reasonably close to that number. I actually hope this is just an exhibition of corruption and not their actual best efforts, because if they were this incompetent in reality, they should be shot.

At what point do people just admit that they can’t be counted on to govern themselves? While, I am sure the FBI is watching this unfold and dutifully recording, what is in all likelihood, corruption on a grand scale. What are the citizens of the county doing today? The same thing they have always done. Nothing.

I would urge the citizens of Wayne County to grab their pitchforks and storm the county building. At this point, it would seem like the only reasonable course of action.

Blue Devils: Step it Up

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Blue Devils have a long and noble history of pranks. Most recently, they phoned-in this weak-sauce effort pictured above. Sure the days of disassembling a VW Beetle and then reassembling it on the roof are over. I mean, if you lack the manpower to move a compact automobile to the roof of Grosse Pointe South, you can always list the school for sale at an unbelievably low price with the office’s phone number. This might fly at Grosse Pointe North, but we Blue Devils expect more out of ourselves.

I am hoping this was just like a hors d’oeuvre to a magnum opus as seniors sign-off at the end of their high school career. So, I’ll be watching and waiting for this generation of Blue Devils to impress me. Let’s hope I am not disappointed. Though, I rather be a disappointed Blue Devil than, well, anything else.

America’s Top Export

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Artist’s rendering of what would have happened if Ronald Reagan was alive during the Revolutionary War.

Today is Memorial Day, a day we come together to celebrate the sacrifice of the men and women who delivered America’s greatest export. Ass kickings.

When our founding fathers consecrated this great nation they did so with the blood of tyrants. They knew that our bright outpost of freedom would be under constant threat from the enemies of freedom, and they were right. Through the brief, but great, history of our nation we have faced many threats and each time we have sent our persecutors home butt-hurt. We owe this to our enormous defense budget and the men and women who go forth to rain pain and suffering upon our enemies.

So this Memorial Day I urge you all to celebrate the freedom we all hold so dear the way they would want us to. With seersucker and ill-advised quantities of red meat and liquor, because we’re American, that’s why.

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I Am GP For Life

My name is GP For Life and while many of my enlightened brethren have fled Southeast Michigan and our solitary island of wealth and privilege, I stayed behind to prepare for them a seat in our glorious kingdom. Today, the future has never been brighter and I am here to stand as a beacon to our wayward progeny beckoning them home, to come join our legions vast and to conquer what is rightfully ours. This primitive website will be the trumpet that echos across the lands to summon them home.

In addition to acting as a guide to generations of scions, I will expound on and help shape the community dialogue involving a variety of subjects. Some will include current events on a local level and important and oft-overlooked sports like yachting and flip cup. We will also discuss larger issues like economics and demographic shifts. I may also, from time-to-time, tell of stories from my all too prolonged adolescence.

With that, I urge you to charge with me once more into the breach and take the future that our noble forefathers envisioned for us. I am GP For Life, follow me if you dare.