Don’t Feed the Bears

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It’s that time of the year again when droves of proles diagonally-cross Mack at a gentle saunter and invade our neighborhood in search of handouts and people to victimize. No, this isn’t The Purge, it is Halloween in Grosse Pointe.

As our children take to the streets, adorably adorned as miniature cosplay enthusiasts, children from outside of our socioeconomic strata come to feast upon the sugary and delicious fat of our society. Now, before any of you bleeding-heart idiots out there say: “GP, you can’t have a problem with poor children getting candy on Halloween, can you?” I say, no I would be happy if it were just the children of the poors, as I am a charitable man.  However, it’s not just children and it’s not just people who want to participate in the festive tradition.

The problems begin with the fact that teenagers show up with an angry scorn as a costume and a discarded WIC-Sack (grocery bag) and angrily demand candy for themselves and their “auntie” at home. Then we have the fact that they pile into conversion vans from the late-80’s and cruise our neighborhoods and disgorging their spawn at every corner all while clogging our roadways when I am trying to get home.  Also, I am sorry but a garbage bag with armholes isn’t a Halloween costume.  Seriously, I get that we all weren’t born into wealth, but at least use some creativity when trying to con “the man”.

Here’s a few pro-tips for dealing with the sugar-seeking interlopers:

1. Van stops, sprinklers go on.

2. Give away fruit to people outside the area.

3. Hand out books.

 

Have a safe and fun Halloween!