America’s Top Export


Artist’s rendering of what would have happened if Ronald Reagan was alive during the Revolutionary War.

Today is Memorial Day, a day we come together to celebrate the sacrifice of the men and women who delivered America’s greatest export. Ass kickings.

When our founding fathers consecrated this great nation they did so with the blood of tyrants. They knew that our bright outpost of freedom would be under constant threat from the enemies of freedom, and they were right. Through the brief, but great, history of our nation we have faced many threats and each time we have sent our persecutors home butt-hurt. We owe this to our enormous defense budget and the men and women who go forth to rain pain and suffering upon our enemies.

So this Memorial Day I urge you all to celebrate the freedom we all hold so dear the way they would want us to. With seersucker and ill-advised quantities of red meat and liquor, because we’re American, that’s why.