Monthly Archives: July 2013

Walling-Off the Poors

GP For Life's vision of the Mack Avenue Gate Complex.

GP For Life’s vision of the Mack Avenue Gate Complex.

The upscale Detroit community of Palmer Woods is walling themselves of from the poors that are surrounding them. After years of ineffectual policing by their own private militia they have decided to take the fortification approach. Who can blame them? They are like a firebase in the Vietnam highlands, about to be overrun by throngs of fish head-eating communists. Something drastic needed to happen.

Of course, there are some who see this prudent decision through the lens of elitism and racism. Which leads me to the question, why is it that every time an affluent community tries to erect physical barriers between them and their lessers there is some sort of outcry? Can’t we just agree that some of us are more equal than others? Is it not enough that we allow them to vote? Apparently not, because they feel that not only should they have the right to run their city straight into the ground, they should be able to run our communities off a cliff.

GP For Life is a uniter, not a divider. That is why I propose a compromise. We’ll stop barricading ourselves from roving packs of feral dogs and criminals if you take a literacy test in order to vote. Now, a lot of people think (like the Supreme Court) think that literacy tests are unconstitutional, and I would agree, if they were issued with some form of discrimination, but everyone will take them. That’s right, if you’re illiterate, you won’t vote. Of course, you could get some sort of literacy endorsement for your driver’s license so you don’t hold up the line reading “Dick and Jane”.

I think that’s more than a fair compromise.

 

Packard Plant Redevelopment – I guess they didn’t like my plan?

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The latest news with the Packard Plant is that a Chicago developer wants to redevelop the complex into some sort of retail and office hub for a mere $350 million. I can’t tell you what the ROI on that project is going to be, but I can tell you it’s probably going to show up in The E (Microsoft Excel) as a red number. I am not an architect, but I do know that a building that has trees growing on its roof is probably not structurally sound and that $350 million number is probably crack-pipe-optimism.

All of that is fine. I am used to watching people make ridiculously-poor financial decisions and to be honest, I find it very amusing.  What irritates me, is that the county didn’t take my proposal seriously. My proposal, which was far more financially feasible, would kill two birds with one stone.

We would build a massive wall around the Packard complex and install a multitude of small HD cameras throughout every nook and cranny of that asbestos-laden beast. After which we would handpick select convicts to participate in a cheap knock-off of Running Man. These wouldn’t be just ordinary criminals. They would be the worst of the worst. The child molesters, murders, rapists and, people caught stealing bicycles from Grosse Pointe. These criminals would be hunted down by a crack team of hunters armed with unique and entertaining weapons, like flamethrowers and various edged weapons. This spectacle would be taped, edited and, then broadcast all over the world.

Not only would we make productive use of the space, but we would help alleviate the overpopulation of state prison system! It’s really a win-win. Then there are the societal benefits that would come from the inevitable drop in criminality. I am sure you would think twice before robbing a liquor store if you knew your only way out was surviving the Packard Plant!

Sure, it’s not original, but at least its within our means.

Happy 237th Birthday America

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General James Mattis expounds on the finer points of American diplomacy. If I were you, I would listen to him. You don’t get the name “Mad Dog” for making idle threats.

Battle of Baltimore237 years ago, a fledgling upstart nation decided to put it all on the line for freedom. The founders of this country decided the best way to do that was to write a lengthy memo to the world’s superpower of the day, essentially telling them where they could go stick it and why, and then hope for the best.  Shockingly, the superpower of the day didn’t appreciate the memo and promptly sent an army to learn this rogue nation some respect, but that little nation of 13 colonies beat back the larger, and largely superior, force and lives in freedom to this day.

169 years after they brazenly declared their independence from the tyranny of high taxes and unreasonable regulations, the then forty-eight states of The United States of America emerged from a ghastly World War as the greatest superpower the world has ever seen. They accomplished something that took centuries for the Roman Empire, Ottoman Empire, British Empire, and others, in a mere 169 years. Today, that nation reigns not only as a bastion of freedom, but as the undisputed badass of the globe.

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